Summer....the scurrying, stress and frantic dash to the bus every morning is behind us.  We get a reprieve from the pressure of homework and the endless rounds of deadlines.  Now I am faced with two kids who want to spend all day in bed and all night in their rooms doing who knows what.  THEIR idea of a perfect summer is lazing around....ALL day.  MY idea of a perfect summer is getting up before 8:00 am to do a couple of hours of outdoors work, with everyone, before it gets hot, followed by an hour of indoor chores before we take off to the beach or something.  So far, this hasn't happened even one day this summer.

I really am not a slave driver.  My expectations are very, very low.  I feed the slaves, er children, well, let them sleep in and, so far, over the past two weeks have allowed them to get away with a total of 3 hours of outdoors work each.  So what's the problem?  My attitude: I have become a nagging harpy.  Not a pretty picture and not what I would want to face every morning if I were a teenager, either.

Of course I know better but....but let's face it -  I'm tired of being a parent some days.  My teenagers are wearing me down.  Staying calm instead of getting mad and lecturing just isn't gratifying, in the short run.  I KNOW that being a Love and Logic Parent usually leads to better results and better long term relationships but, sometimes, it's difficult to remember the basics.  

So, if you are, like me, struggling with your kids this summer, here's something to remember: anger and frustration feed misbehavior… reminders fuel both

If  your child has sucked you into their vortex of the 'but it's not fair'  or 'why do I have to?' or some other such routine, grab a cup of coffee and review the following Love and Logic Parenting guidelines until you have them firmly embedded in your head.  Practice leads to success, when dealing with the geniuses we have created.  If we want to stay one step ahead of them, we need to have our A game on!

Many children have an uncanny ability to get us to control what we really cannot.  Truly powerful Love and Logic parents avoid this trap by using Enforceable Statements; these tell kids what WE will do or allow, rather than trying to tell THEM what to do. We can set love and logic limits by saying what WE will do or what WE will allow.  By doing so, we can avoid looking like the fool and share some control with our children. As a result, they are much less likely to resist.  Some examples of Enforceable Statements are:

- I give treats to kids who protect their teeth by brushing.
- Breakfast is served until 7:30. Get all you need to hold you until lunch.
- My car is leaving at 8 a.m.
- I’ll listen as soon as your voice is as calm as mine.
- I’ll take you guys where you want to go when I don’t have to worry about fighting in the back seat.
- I’ll do all of the things I do for you around here when I’m feeling respected.
- I give allowance to those who finish their chores.
- I’ll provide TV and Nintendo when the chores are done.
-  I keep the toys I have to pick up. You can keep the ones you pick up.
-  I’ll be happy to buy you the clothes I feel are appropriate.
-  I’ll be happy to listen to you as soon as your father and I are finished talking.
-  I lend money to those who have collateral.
-  I lend the car to those who have made a deposit equal to the insurance deductible.
- I’ll reimburse you for your college tuition for classes in which you earn a “B” or above. I’ll be happy to give you the money when I see your report card.

When I remember to follow through without too many words, my kids behave better and so do I. End of story.  When our 14 or 19 year-old doesn't do his or her chores, there's no discourse: either I can do their chores for them or they can get up earlier the next day to finish them.  I give my children a choice.  I don't lecture or nag - just sweetly repeat the same Enforceable Statement....and walk away. Children prefer choices and it cuts down on the arguing if they are busy considering the option that is least painful - for them.

Of course,  the trick is to deliver enforceable statements without sarcasm!  My children, who have read all my parenting books and agree with using enforceable statements, tell me I do a lousy job because I can't seem to keep the sarcasm out of my voice.   Oh, well.  I am only a mother after all...and not Mother Theresa (and she didn't have children).  I am still a 'work in progress'.

Good Luck and Happy Parenting!

If you are interested in more ideas or information about Love and Logic Parenting™ please feel free to contact Martha @ marthamhong@gmail.com or at 609-275-7083. She periodically hold classes and runs Love and Logic seminars in the West Windsor and Princeton area and is available for a free consultation.